Solicitors Get Some Credit for Developing Creativity
by Joe Naiman
One of the impacts of the mortgage and financial services crisis is that I'm not receiving as many solicitations for home equity loans, refinancing, and other such services as I've received in the past. I don't know whether it's because some of the companies are no longer around to offer the loans, whether they're cutting back on mailing costs to speculative customers, or whether my previous correspondence has taught them a lesson.
When I receive such offers, their disposition depends on a couple of factors. If there's an expiration date listed, I'll discard it after the expiration date. If no expiration date exists but listed stipulations would make me ineligible, those will also be discarded. If there is neither an expiration date nor a disqualifying stipulation, I'll put it in a file just in case I ever may actually need such quick money.
In some cases I receive merely a postcard addressed to me, and those can be recycled. If an application form or personal number is included, I take steps to prevent identity theft. A two-sided solicitation is torn into tiny pieces before being put into an envelope with other mixed paper and subsequently dropped into a recycling bin. A one-sided solicitation with sensitive information extends the time between my trips to purchase toilet paper.
Once in a while, some condition exists which prevents ordinary secure disposal. One such company issued me a plastic card which couldn't be torn into pieces. My action was to return the card along with a cover letter. I noted that I normally had two options; I could dispose of the letter or I could apply for a loan and put the soliciting company through the expense of rejecting me since some South American governments have better credit than I do. I informed them that because the plastic card prevented simple disposal, I had no choice but to apply for a loan.
I informed them, however, that I didn't want to take on too much additional debt and was therefore applying for a loan of $20.00 to treat my friend to the local Italian lunch buffet. I never heard back from them.
Subsequent situations requested a loan to treat my brother to the lunch buffet or asked for a loan of $25.00 to cover the increased price, but I haven't heard back from those lenders, either.
Perhaps one of the reasons I'm in such financial distress is that I usually don't take advantage of African inheritance proposals which from time to time are e-mailed to me. One such situation, however, merited a response.
This particular one was from Zaire, and the sender mentioned boxes of something. I'm sure the guy didn't realize that I'm a professional sportswriter, but in the early 1970s it was popular to hold heavyweight boxing matches in international venues and the first thing which comes to my mind about Zaire was the 1974 fight in which Mohammed Ali defeated George Foreman to recapture the heavyweight title. The combination of Zaire and boxes was too good to resist.
I was also providing high school football reports for The Coach on XTRA Sports at the time. I thanked the African for the information about the boxing match and told him I'd be coordinating with the radio station to try to attend. I also let him know that I'd be contacting the U.S. State Department to try to secure a passport for the fight. I'm sure that's not the confidentiality he requested in his e-mail letter, and although I've received subsequent African inheritance proposals I've never received another one from Zaire.
It's too bad I didn't know then what I know now about Ken Norton's fight in Caracas after which the Venezuelan government wouldn't allow the boxers or their managers to leave until all income taxes derived from the fight were paid. I could have told him I'd be in touch with the Zaire tax authorities to ensure that such an incident wouldn't be repeated. He'd probably be sweating more than the boxers I've seen from ringside seats.
California's "junk fax" law stipulates that any unsolicited faxes must include a toll-free telephone number the recipient can call to be removed from the list. Most of the time a legitimate number is provided. One phone number was toll-free, but after providing my fax number the automated voice indicated that they would attempt to fax me a confirmation, after which I'd receive no further faxes.
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First of all this is in violation of the junk fax law, since it would provide a subsequent fax. More importantly, my number is a fax/modem line, so a fax won't be sent if I'm using the Internet. After receiving subsequent faxes with the contact information to respond affirmatively, I came up with an alternate plan.
I wrote a letter informing them of their transgression. The fax solicitation included a toll-free number to fax them if I was interested in their service. So not only did I fax my letter to their toll-free number, but I informed them that if they wanted to get into a fax war I would not only incur charges on their toll-free number and use their paper receiving my faxes but that my faxes would prevent their customers from faxing their acceptances. That was the end of faxes from that company.
A subsequent unsolicited fax also carried a toll-free number which indicated that they would attempt to fax me a confirmation. This fax, however, spawned some additional creativity on my part.
The junk fax law includes an exemption for businesses with whom the recipient has had a previous business relationship, which at this point was their only legitimate defense. The truth is that there was no business relationship, but the truth also is that I've been mentoring someone who is working on a historical fiction book and I'm working on a novel in which Irish Republic founding father Eamonn de Valera is one of the main characters. The unsolicited fax was on behalf of some financial services company, and one of the questions on the application form was whether I have an IRA.
It was actually Michael Collins rather than Eamonn de Valera who formed the Irish Republican Brotherhood that evolved (or devolved) into the IRA, and I noted that in my faxed response along with a caveat not to confuse Michael Collins the Irish independence leader with Michael Collins the astronaut since Guinness and Bailey's Irish Cream can't be used as rocket fuel. I explained that their mention of the IRA in conjunction with my research on Eamonn de Valera constituted the previous business relationship which made their fax legal, and I informed them that if they faxed anything else to my number I'd fax them substantial material on Eamonn de Valera, Irish history, decentralization, and other related matters. I even followed by signature with "P.S. Don't drink too much. Redheads are sexually arousing."
I never heard back from them. I hope they're not wasting any Irish whiskey on trying to build a rocketship.
Solicitations can be a nuisance, but they can also stimulate creativity. I'll at least acknowledge their role in generating creative thoughts. But for some reason, creative people don't seem to be the customers they desire.
 Joe Naiman |
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Joe Naiman was born in Pasadena, CA and moved to San Diego in 1966. He is a graduate of Northwestern University, where he obtained a double major in Political Science and History. He has been a free-lance writer since 1985. He has writen two books: "Another Chance" and "The San Diego Padres Encyclopedia" co-authored with David Porter. He has been a member of the Society for American Baseball Research since 1980. Joe lives in the San Diego suburb of Lakeside. He has a son and two daughters. |
Here's how to obtain his books:
"Another Chance"
"The San Diego Padres Encyclopedia"
Thanks Joe for the article... John Wolf
